4.09.2003
where in the fuck is the fucking tuna?
that just about sums up my life right now. you know that scene in bridget jones's diary where she's frazzled, covered in the remains of a blender explosion, and frantically searching through her refrigerator for tuna? that's me.
i can't explain it, but i just feel out of control. like the world is spinning around me at some horrendously unnatural rate, and i have no way of catching up or holding on. i'm about to graduate, i'm up to my ass in research for my senior seminar project, and at some point i have to figure out what i'm going to do after these next four and a half weeks are over. which means i need to update (i.e. completely recreate) my resume and find hours to spend searching for a job... a job which will inevitably entail answering phones, licking envelopes, or the words "would you like your receipt in the bag?"
and the worst part about all of this is that there is no form of reassurance that makes a damn bit of difference. ten people tell me they feel the same way; i feel like they're all assholes for even presuming to know how i feel, because i'm obviously suffering through something totally unique. adam tells me that i'm intelligent and skilled; i feel like i'm retarded - not just a little special, but drooling-down-the-side-of-my-face retarded. i try to convince myself that there are plenty of opportunities and plenty of time - i just have to slow down and breath; this only reinforces my notion that i'm indeed of sub-average intelligence, because there will never be enough time and i'm an idiot for thinking so. there's just no winning.
but the reality is that i will survive. eventually my head will stop buzzing, and i'll be able to sleep again, and i won't feel like a loser who has no future. if i sit down to think about it rationally, i know what i have to do, and i'm pretty sure i can figure out how to do it. but you have to remember, these moments of lucidity are few and far between. keep that in mind over the next few weeks, and be gentle with me.
4:09 PM // 0 comments
